Well thats enough of that!

Well.........hmmm..... where to begin. 

The past few weeks have been extremely challenging for me. My father was in critical care again, school has been sucking, I was on my period, I have been in a funky mean, mad, irritated and emotional mood. I got out of the pattern of tracking my foods and I started eating whatever comfort foods I wanted. I know some of it has to do with my weird period cycles which I have had my whole life because of the endometriosis. It feels like the whole process consumes three weeks out of a month for me compared to the normal one. My emotions and cramps etc start two weeks prior to when I actually start. It would be okay to know that was coming but my cycles are always so messed up too. Sorry to whatever male may be reading this, but I think its important. In addition to that I am going to be 30 in a few weeks and it scares the hell out of me. I am not where I wanted to be at this age, especially health wise.  I have not been working out as much as I would like either and I just generally feel like crap because of these changes. 

Thankfully, and I do not know how. I have been pretty lucky.  The first week I lost 1.1lbs still and the second week I only gained .9 so these bad habits have kind of balanced themselves out. I do not know if I will be as lucky come Monday again. I tried to get back on track at the beginning of the week but found it very difficult. But today I started back up and feel great. 

The good news is that my mind and body have somewhat changed for the better and begun the mind process, because even though I was doing bad, I still did some good things without trying. I still ate some healthy meals and actually I ate more vegetarian meals the past few weeks than anything else. I still went on a few very long walks without thinking about it really. 

But there are so many other things that are getting me down. I know that I am going to be 30 and I know that I am not as attractive as I can be, nor do I ever know that I ever was. I have spent all of my "younger" years being fat and unhappy and now I am afraid that when and if I do lose all this weight, I still will not be beautiful. I know my husband thinks that I am, and that the weight doesnt really bother him (which sometimes, I feel acts as an enabler), but I do not feel attractive, especially in the past few months and I know its hurting our relationship some. 

I just get so tired of the up and down few pounds no matter how hard I try. I want to go to a doctor and find out if there is something causing this, but we do not currently have insurance. It is too expensive through his work and when we went this past weekend to look at getting independant insurance we were told that they would not take me because I was too big. TELL ME THAT doesnt insult you to the bone. I felt horrible. He will not get insurance without me, and now I feel like I am holding him back from getting the care he needs too. 

Anyways, I am going to try to keep pushing forward and finding things that I enjoy. I just got done boxing and it felt sooo good. I just need to throw something else in there besides walkng and boxing and the occasional swimming (which will get more frequent soon) I am thinking abotu getting a exercise bike, the kind with the chair and not the seat. (those seats cut into me and it hurts). I tried one out at the store and said to myself I could do this for quite some time without getting up so I might try that. 

I also am going to bust out my rollerskates and attempt to get back at that too. I do not have anyone who will go to the rink with me, so Ill start outside and teach Noah and Dave to do it. 

I am excited to be starting all over again, and thankful that I my setback did not bring me back to my starting weight. 

Thanks for listening and especially thanks to Valencia for holding me accountable. 

Love you all, 

AJ ♥

Short and Sweet

Okay, I am going to make this a quick and to the point one.

I have been going through ALOT and fell off the bandwagon a little. I DO NOT KNOW how, but I still managed to lose over a lb the past week. I know that will not be my fate two weeks in a row. As soon as Monday comes I am going to jump back on and take control back, no matter what the scale tells me..

Thats all...

AJ ♥

Disappointed

Well, I weighed in today and I was hoping for another great week but I knew in my heart that was not going to happen. There was only one or two days that I slightly went over my calorie intake for the day, and I thought that I would still be okay since I was still thousands of calories less than I used to consume. I cannot think that way though, because I allow myself to enable myself to eat more.

I did not feel the greatest this week and I had alot less activity as well. I still boxed a few times this past week and went on many walks, but it was just not enough to offset those extra calories I was intaking. I think my biggest problem was that we went out to eat too many times. last week when I had a big loss, we had only done our friday night pizza. This week, we went out for BBQ one night, we went out on friday instead of pizza, and I had Jimmy Johns for lunch and Saturday we went out for lunch since we were out of town. NOW I must say that I am somewhat still proud of myself though because I chose what I thought to be the most healthy things on the menu, and I did not finish any of them, or keep the leftovers. In addition to that, even though I did not want to, I still tracked everything. In my tracking, it put me less than what I needed for the day, but I assume that there were still things like fat grams that set me over as I was not able to track those, or how the food was completely prepared. I also became very full on those meals and didnt eat much the rest of the day, which is unlike my usual eating of small meals all day long.


So when I weighed in this morning I was +0.7lbs. I suppose that it is good that with all that had happened this week I didnt even gain 1 lb. Close, but ... Anyways.

I am going to just pick up my spirits and think to myself this is a new week, I KNOW where I went wrong and I am going to avoid that... I also asked David to PLEASE help to prevent that from happening. Such as putting ourselves in situations in which we have to go out to eat because we are away from home. If we do, we will pack a lunch like we do most of the time and have a picnic.


I still feel very dizzy today, but I am not going to let that stop me from doing my best.

AJ♥